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It's December 5th.. but since it's Monday, it's technically the start of the month. The Christmas and New Years (aka same day, different title) Holidays are right around the corner, but if you look on any corner in my neighborhood I doubt you'd notice... except for the lady who chooses to keep her Holiday lights up year-round. That's 360 spirit for you... or an extremely poor/lazy choice of seasonal decor.

Either way... at 'least' two months and a day out of the year she gets it right ;-)

It's been a crazy and transitional year for me, especially these last two quarters (July - December). A whirlwind of emotions, truths, and realities have been raining down on me lately. I wasn't initially prepared to handle it all.. So I succumbed to the pressure and it let negatively effect me, probably even worse than the phase I have recently overcome.

I subjected myself to solitude (cold turkey) out of fear of my actions to a troubling loss.
After what felt like a small period of euphoria through being completely alone, my thoughts began to take lead... projecting everything I feared. Fear is very complex and comes in many different forms and states. Fear can take the form of love, anger, sadness, envy, regret, hope, anxiety, depression, confusion... and if you let it marinate long enough without facing it, you will go through every one of it's states creating a very dangerous and ongoing bipolar personality. Because you let each state become you. It took some time for me to recognize most of the problems I was having (or should I say "feeling") were self crated. By directing any type of blame, anger, or energy to any outside factor that I cast responsibility on only maintained a very strong magnetic connection to that person/event.. the history.. etc. which only maintained a weakness and inability to get the positive experience out of being alone in my sub/conscious.

I am also grateful for having experienced those moments of weakness as well. It helped me to understand a new depth of feelings... the good, the bad, and the destructive. I think a better understanding of these phases needed to be grasped in order to begin seeking a healthier move forward.

So now we come to the end of the year. A period where everyone is reflecting on the days of the past... their progress, gains, losses, and an anxious look into next year. December definitely can be the toughest month all year. It's when people question themselves the most and emotions are always at their most sensitive levels. It's been quite an eye-opener for me. I went an extra step a few months back and decided to go one step further in my "self-confinement" and rid myself of my telephone. Aside from work, working out, and routine errands I also decided limit myself inside. Since I was young I've never really been on my own. Having been married young, and spending my entire youth in the military I was always surrounded with people. After I finished my service I took in other Marines and immediately became mixed in a varying group of people. I then settled into a relationship that lasted 4 years... and for reasons that led me to my situation it fell apart. The longest I've think I've actually spent on my own was less than 2 months. Even then I had always had a rotation of 'things' to keep me busy.

I became use to doing things for others so much I felt anxiety after the first few months, almost not knowing how to move forward. That's a little extreme sounding, as I obviously KNEW how to maintain myself. But in the since of goals... everything changed in an instant. My goals use to be a compliment to others around me. I had to get use to seeing things for myself.

This period has made me much more aware of many things: People, capabilities, my true wants and needs, and realizing the things that I thought I wanted, or that I thought were of interest to me were based solely on perceptions of negative experiences. So even as I thought I was going forward in accomplishments, I was just moving myself further behind. I even gained simple pleasures... like the joy of meditation, listening to my thoughts and understanding them much better without being affected by the actions or suggestions of others. You can never really succeed at your highest level unless you are fully aware and in touch with who you are at the core. That's what this time alone has provided me the opportunity to understand... exactly who I am... not a projection of others ideas or perception of me.


Ehhh, this is getting longer than I intended, and I think I've made my point.

Get in touch with yourself.
Don't be afraid to experiment in your expression.
Don't forecast how others may judge or perceive you, you'd be amazed at the responses you receive by just being yourself.
Don't be afraid to be alone, it's the only way to strengthen your spirit, gain a better connection with your subconscious, and prepare yourself the constant battles we will 'always' face in our lives.