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I'm not sure what I want to write about, my mind is blank... Actually, it's over-capacity, so much so that I can't focus on a single thought... it just feels like a combined pressure of 'everything' is pushing my mind in all directions from the inside.

I often find myself sad when I begin to think too deeply about people and life. Mostly referencing where we are now. How we treat one another, ourselves, and what we all view as important. I've experienced so many negatives in my lifetime I should be living inside of a box somewhere away from society. Yet even still I remain positive and hopeful. In love, I have been through a domino effect of heart-break after heart-break. In life, I have been constantly been over-looked, under-valued, and often slighted by friends... Yet even still I remain hopeful, and positive.

It wasn't always there... because I wasn't always there. When your foundation relies on the steady presence of others, you'll always fall apart. The repercussions over-time can almost effect you in such a way that your entire perspective (or the ability to control it) becomes damaged. Poisoning your mind, your thoughts, actions... literally every instance of life almost becomes an enemy or obstacle that has a personal vendetta towards you. Your personality becomes one of varying anger, a roller-coaster of unhappiness... Your thoughts are based on falsely fore-casted instances... You don't realize it, but you're slipping into a deep depression while still consumed with an idling anger... At this point, the only way to heal is to erupt... and hope you're strong enough to see through the explosion before it expands.

I saw through it.... I saw everything and everyone I lost. I saw missed opportunities, broken friendships... the scariest thing that I saw was myself... The first thoughts are usually a desperate attempt to resolve the most important losses and heal the worst damages.. That's been my fight, and it has also started to become my curse. Because the more you try to fix things from the past...the more it can pull you back into the mentality you escaped from as you begin to create resentment of who you were, and it slowly finds itself back inside of who you are. Just see, and accept.

My fear was never in my inabilities... they were of my abilities, and this constant need for acknowledgement. It wasn't always that way. Once upon a time I was literally a SUN... shining through any storm, rain or flood. Maybe it was that life sent it's biggest test, as it seemed I've passed many without harm to myself or my mentality... but this time it took away everything I held pride in of myself. It took away my confidence, my desires, my wife, then almost immediately after, my control... and then my career. I have to say, I lost it. I didn't feel those things anymore (confident, happy, hopeful...) So I needed to try to get these feelings out of everyone else to confirm that I was still of value... That's when I started falling deep.

I had to learn that life will always be full of hard fought, complex, beautiful, destructive, happy, loving, heart-breaking, inspiring moments... regardless of my mental or emotional strength. The only option I have is how I choose to face and move through each. I can let each moment take a part of me, or I can choose to take something from every moment. Feeling is natural. It only becomes unnatural when we allow our feelings to play our minds role.. For me, practicing constant awareness has been my resolve to re-connecting.

It's not easy. When you awake to yourself you notice things in others, it makes it very tough to move without judgement, act without bias, and commit with reservations. But we must also give others the chance we gave ourselves, because not everyone can realize "life" on their own... and we provide these chances without intent or any needs of confirmation because we will always perceive life differently. We also have to know when to let others face their own storms, even when we feel we can see it on their horizon.