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My heart has been very heavy still. Though not with grief, nor anger, nor resentment...
those stages have passed... Just, different.

Every day I am waking up to more realities. As some of these realities expose themselves, I also see the actions and varying temperaments I've carried to create many of those outcomes. As I realize that some things and people are meant solely as footnotes and momentary experiences in our lives, I also realize that many were not... and more should have been done to protect what I see was never meant to be lost.

Fate does not control all destinies, it only acts as a guide based on a combination of perception, conscious thought, action, and feeling. I've tried to use fate as my tool of coping with things of the past... but the more I do, the more I feel as if I'm not completely accepting certain things, and at the same time blocking myself from using my ability to change the things I can.


I've always wanted more than to just 'exist' in this world, to excel in every aspect I found interest in, including with people. This was a character trait that would eventually pull me apart, not finding a balance between my current
actions began to distort the path I needed to follow directly ahead... so everything moved in a constant repetitive circle, one that I created and ultimately became over-taken by.

For weeks I was drowning myself wishing to go back and fix so many things. the idea that what is gone is gone, and the past is the past is something that I couldn't sit with. I would have told anyone before to continue move forward, and be impacting. But I now realize the feeling. Sometimes going back is moving forward... and by resolving certain things you bring your intended future much closer. I lost a part of my future self long ago in my past in the midst of certain moments. So I had to go back and accept the moments that I allowed to break me, where I let parts of myself remain. This was the only way to piece myself back together from before... because although my mind is stronger, I realize my heart heals much differently, and takes much longer.

Especially in matters of the heart. My only way of escaping the feeling was always to completely separate myself (location, state, memories), and act as though it had never existed. Doing this I neglected my own experiences and lessons, and became more of a risk to myself by only settling into the negative feelings that were involved. This cursed every forward movement for me. I took everything personally, too serious, I often placed myself above others (while knowingly needing them)... I used my words aggressively, confusingly, and during the times I should have shown strength.. I became passive, which would only add to the strain.

Waking up is a beautiful feeling. But it comes with the price of a heavy heart with the realization that comes with it. Not just of yourself, ...but society, people, and the world in general. To recognize the dishonesty's, false impressions, crave of relevance and attention, the constant need to just "want" for things.. and the feeling like if you don't involve yourself, or just accept it as it is then you'd lose yourself again in the stress of assimilating. Or even worse, just remain alone in an awaken thought.

I've been spending these last few months alone, ...literally... alone. Taking the time to redevelop my mind, strengthen my spirit, and completely transform my body as I continue to redirect my focus. I haven't felt the desire to reconnect with anyone since my relationship ended, regardless of how I felt/feel. As of now, I still see everyone the same... no matter how different their characteristics are, everything is exactly the same... mind, words, actions, the same... except for hers. That's the hardest perception of the mind to break (the idea of a person), when it's been working so hard to make that person it's only source.

Even when I know it's over, it still takes time to lose the feeling and lift the screen I've placed over everyone else. maybe the screen never fully disappears... It just becomes more transparent.. but if I find myself always having to re-screen due to loss...eventually no one will become clear to me, even the one who may be right in front of my eyes.